Project: Shattered Silence

The following is from 2012 Project: Shattered Silence member Katie Matuska and something she wants you all to know:

‎1 Peter 3:3-5 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.”

You ARE Beautiful♥

If you thought maybe you could fly,
would you also risk the fall?

For the higher you climb, the harder you’ll crash - 

Your successes could all be gone in a flash.

But if we stay on the ground, we will see nothing else new - 
Now, I thought that was fine, until I finally grew.

And I climbed a bit higher, and I saw a great view:
There were rivers and valleys and treetops and lakes,
There were birds, flying above me…
Birds - I wish I could be - one of them, flying with them,
Looking down on scared people like me.

So I will just climb higher and higher,
Untill one day I will fly - 
And if I just try and jump,
(and I can’t)
I will fall to the ground,
But atleast I will have tried, and with pride,
I will die.

Never be afraid to jump,
Never be afraid to try,
Never be afraid to reach for the sky. 

There are so many things out there, you see:
Waiting to be claimed by people like you, and like me.
We can do whatever we want, 
We can tackle it all…
We just can’t be afraid of the fall.

So climb higher and higher, until the ground’s out of sight,
And never stop climbing - use all of your might!
The sky is above you!
It is bright, and it’s calling
And it’s whispering, whispering…
That you shouldn’t be afraid of falling.

The room is warm. The fluorescent lights, unflattering. There is a panel of stone-faced judges near the mirrors in the dance studio. They watch stoically as the dancer auditions. She gives everything she has-jumping with abandon, turning with control. She can’t seem to fight the smile that spreads across her face as she stops thinking and just dances. They silently dismiss her when she finishes. Two weeks later, she receives her rejection letter. Their criticisms play in her mind every day following.

Ever since I was little, I was taught that if I wanted something to go right in my life, I had to do it myself. My lifelong chase for perfection has blinded me to so many things. I’ve missed out on new friends, relationships,  first kisses, learning experiences- all because I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to stop caring. I overanalyzed my way through the years that should have been silly and whimsical. I grew up too fast, and now it’s too late to be a carefree child again.

My life has been stress, sleepless nights, self consciousness, and loneliness. I don’t mean to sound like I’m pitying myself at all, but as I reflect on my life (which has by no means been a bad one) I’m realizing that it’s full of regrets and hesitations. I don’t look back and think, “Wow, that was so stupid but we had a really fun time last night.” Instead, I think “what if I’d done things differently? What if I’d made another choice? What if I’d said what I was really feeling instead of hiding it from everyone?”

My need for perfection forces me to push forward with very little time to mourn what’s lost. It forces me to sweat the small stuff in life. It forces me to analyze every choice made, every word said, every action performed. It forces me to hide how I feel and repress any sign of weakness. I am weak if I cry in front of people. I am dumb if I don’t understand on the first try. I am a failure if I don’t do well at everything I do. I am not perfect; therefore, I am wrong.

I tell myself to relax. I try to talk myself out of this constant need for perfection, but it’s who I am. It’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. It’s the secret I’ve hidden for years. To many, I am the happy girl, the strong one when the others need a shoulder to cry on, and the mother figure when friends need advice. But I’m terrified of needing someone to be that for me.

I’m not just incredibly driven, cautious, and responsible. I’m striving to be perfect during the years when I should be making mistakes. I don’t know how else to be, and I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone who will love me just the way I am, someone who will melt my icy exterior and find the warm person underneath.

 But for now just as  always, I just want to be perfect.

Why Gay Marriage is WRONG

Many have asked me why I, personally, am against gay marriage. So to put the curiosity to rest, I will share why. Starting off with the basics, gay marriage just isn’t natural. If you are a real American, you reject everything unnatural like glasses, polyester, air conditioning, etc. If we let people that are gay to get married, don’t you think it would encourage other people to be gay? I mean, because when I hang out with tall people I turn taller. Legalizing gay marriage would essentially open the door to anybody and anything getting married. If somebody wanted to get married to their dog, they would expect the same rights. It’s very risky considering dogs have the same legal standings as humans and can even sign a binding contract – I can definitely see the resemblance. We haven’t changed straight marriage at all before, so why start changing it now? Women are still property, blacks and whites can’t get married, and divorce is still illegal, so why adjust the principles that have always been? The legalization of gay marriage would cause straight marriage to become less meaningful. For example, the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour wedding would lose its validity if you think about it. Straight marriages in general are more valid. Straight couples can procreate, and that’s what marriage is all about. Gay marriages, infertile marriage, and elderly marriages don’t need to occur because they can’t have kids. It’s not like our orphanages are full or anything. The world needs more children! If we allowed gay marriages, those couples would raise gay children. Straight parents only raise straight children, so why would we want more gay children on our planet? Gay marriage isn’t supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on everyone. That’s why we only have one religion in America, so we can all believe the same things, right? Children will only succeed if they have a male and female role model at home. That is the main reason why we ban single parent homes. We do not let that happen because children need both a mother and father figure. Gay marriage would change the foundation of society. We could never adapt to new social norms like cars, the service sector economy, and longer life spans. Why would we want to change and evolve? That’s not what humans do.

The only possible solution to the complete dismissal of gay marriage is the extinction of all gay people on planet Earth. Since homosexuality is contagious and fast-spreading, we must take action ASAP. They won’t stop this gay army until all of us normal people and our children are gay married. I propose a modern-day holocaust, recycling old and abandoned concentration camps used in the 1940’s as genocide locations. We shall create a Gay anarchism, free of any form of government, that focuses on the destruction of the gay population. 

Problems

Ignore it.
Ignore it. 
Ignore the pains of hunger. 
Ignore the scratches on your body. 
Ignore the friends who ask if everything is ok. 
Ignore them all. 
Ignore the little voice in your head telling you how wrong this is. 
Its not like you don’t already know. 
Know the risk.
Know how this is going to affect you later. 
Know the other options you may have. 
Know that you should probably reach out for help. 
Know that this isn’t right. 
It doesn’t matter. 
Its not a problem. 
Im just trying to fit into this dress,
Its not a problem. 
I have control of this,
Its not a problem. 
I just dont like to eat, 
Its not a problem. 
Im just tired, 
Its not a problem. 
Its not a problem. 
Its not a problem.
      Until it is. 
Until you’re floating face down in your bathtub full of water contemplating who would actually miss you as you run out of breath. 

This is NOT right, 
This IS a problem,
This is NEVER ok. 

Dont ignore these feelings. 
Dont act on them. 
Recognize that this isnt healthy. 
And that you deserve so much better than what you put yourself through.